Is addiction a family disease? Does it really impact the whole family?

What do you mean addiction is a family disease?

Addiction is not a disease that happens in isolation. When a loved one has a problem with any substance- alcohol or drugs- the entire family experiences repercussions. As such, the family is impacted and effected by the substance.

Let’s take a look at the basics of addiction. People use substances because of the pleasurable effects of them. This might mean the physiological effect of the substance, like a feeling of euphoria, or the ability to fall asleep. They might also use for a psychological effect; the drug allows them to not feel as anxious, or gives them motivation. The person with the addiction uses a substance and continues to use in order to keep up these effects. If they don’t, they experience withdrawal which has the opposite effect of the drug. The time and effort that a person puts in to maintaining their addiction to stay away from withdrawal is often a lot. This is time that could be spent with the family engaging in family responsibilities and relationships. As a result these are missed opportunities, many of which create resentment and sadness in family members that are around the loved one with an addiction.

It can also have an impact on the family’s financial wellbeing. Safety is one of the main needs that people have in life. Financial safety is no exception to this rule. If a person in the home has an addiction, and the family’s financial resources go to funding the addiction, this might cause the family not to have enough money to pay rent, or buy enough food. It could also be something less severe, like the family not having money to help their child play a school sport. This has a huge impact on the child, through no fault of their own.

In another scenario, let’s say that the substance using person ends up in jail due to their addiction. Now, there will be more stress on the family to pick up the slack left by having a member of the family out of the home. Questions from children could arise that are difficult for parents to explain. The child might have to go live with another family member, opening them up to different scenarios of abuse, or trauma. There is a lot of stress that is added to this home and the people in it because of the addiction.

There is also a genetic component to addiction. Sometimes, a gene can be ‘turned on” leading that person’s children to experience that same gene. This could lead a child to experience the same addiction that they witnessed their parent struggle with. In other cases, the children see the turmoil and upheaval that the substance caused in their family and they become terrified of it. They stay as far away from the substance as possible, sometimes over-limiting their own life experiences.

What if only one parent has an addiction?

Having a sober parent is a protective factor for a child. They can be sure that their needs will be met and this contributes to having a feeling of safety, which is a basic need for children. The sober parent, however, still has added stress and a reduced capacity to care for the children, as they are working to help the parent with the addiction. This might look like the sober parent having more anxiety than they normally would, or working more hours to make ends meet.

What types of roles do children with parents who are using fall into?

There are many roles that children with substance using parents fall into. Most of the time these are unconscious ways that people in the family are functioning, and sometimes people go in and out of different roles. Let’s break them down:

The people pleaser- this child tries to please everyone in an attempt to keep the house as stable as possible. They might end up feeling like they are responsible if their parents use again because they did something wrong, or did not keep everything on track. Many of these children grow up to be adults that feel responsible for other’s emotions and behaviors.

The joker- This is the child that works on getting everyone in the household to laugh in order to diffuse a tense situation. They believe that by getting the attention on themselves they can help the situation resolve. This creates a pattern where the family metaphorically sweeps the issues under the rug and moves on, however, the issues are not resolved and come up again at a later time. The child’s humor becomes their defense mechanism.

The scapegoat- This member of the family usually acts in ways that disrupt the family but takes away energy from the addiction that is happening within the family unit. By getting the attention on the scapegoat, it allows for a “common enemy” between family members, without addressing what is really causing the disruption of the family.

Think about the bigger picture…

Children who experience substance use in the home are more likely to feel isolated, and this lasts into adulthood. They might not want to invite friends over in fear of having a friend experience and see how their family functions. Many times addiction is a secret that families hold very close to their chest, and not even close family members know about it. It can be embarrassing for children and other family members. They might also have received physical punishment, or emotional abuse from a using family member causing them to question themselves, turn inward and be more depressed or anxious. All of these mental health conditions lead to a person shying away from others. This is exacerbated when turning away from others means leading the family away from someone who might be able to help. This in turn leads to more feelings of hopelessness, which leads back to more feelings of depression. The self fulfilling cycle continues on and on.

While addiction is not a reflection on a child’s or spouses behavior, they might feel like the person with the addiction is using because of them. They learn to suppress their emotions in order to keep more stress out of the family dynamic. As adults, they might not trust that they know themselves, or be anxious around other people. If the addiction was bad enough they might have left their family as soon as possible, which leads to less support as a young adult.

Does this sound like you?

Did you have a parent with an addiction? Did you grow up in a household where substances were used frequently? Are you ready to begin to unpack all the ways that this influenced you then, and continues to influence you now? If so, I encourage you to reach out. I take the utmost pride in walking beside people as we figure out how the past has shaped you and how you can grow into the person you want to be. Click the button below and let’s get started!