5 simple ways to deal with a narcissist in your life
It seems like the word narcissist is everywhere right now, as a culture we are thinking about these traits in people more often than in the past. Let’s take a deep dive into what narcissism really is and how you can manage your life if there is a narcissist in it.
Narcissism on a continuum?
It’s been suggested that narcissism be thought of on a continuum. At one end of this continuum is the less severe narcissistic traits and on the other are the more severe traits. Thinking of narcissism this way allows a person to move fluidly on the continuum and for their behavior to change.
Can narcissism be helpful?
Narcissism can be beneficial. There are actually two types of narcissism. The first, the beneficial type is called adaptive narcissism. Think of this type of narcissism as you having a sense of your worth, being able to recognize the amazing aspects of who you are as a person, and being self reliant to some extent. The more maladaptive type of narcissism refers to what you hear about most. People who manipulate in order to get praise, and have an inflated sense of self importance.
The more harmful type of narcissism can be seen in two ways. First, someone can exhibit narcissistic characteristics, these are traits that show up from time to time. Secondly, people can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. This occurs when the narcissism happens more frequently, and is more purvasive throughout their personality. These people can be incredibly difficult to deal with and effect your quality of life. Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis that is contained in the DSM 5. This diagnosis states that to qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder a person must meet 5 out of 9 criteria. These criteria include items like: requires admiration, exaggerated sense of self importance, and takes advantage of others for their own benefit, to name a few.
Do narcissists want to change?
No, many times narcissists do not even realize that they are engaging in behaviors in this way. Most people without narcissism are introspective- they reflect on what they know, how they feel and what they are experiencing. They want to grow as a person and live a more fulfilling life. Narcissists don’t necessarily share these same experiences. They recognize that people get upset around them and that problems arise, but many time attribute this to being the other person’s problem.
How are you impacted by living with a narcissist?
It can be aggravating and isolating to live with a narcissist in your life. Many times, the narcissist is in a different reality and any type of communication you try to have with them to get them to see what is happening probably will end up in more frustration for you. It might feel like the relationship is all about them, and you never get a chance to explore your own emotions or feelings with them. You might feel judged or looked down upon by them. You also could feel isolated from other family or friends. They may make you feel like you have to choose sides in situations where that really is not necessary, leading to you “choosing” their side because it will be easier for you to live with. This creates more distance between you and others.
5 ways to deal with a narcissist in your life
1. Have realistic expectations- don’t expect things to change overnight. If you try to have a conversation where you ask the narcissist to have self awareness, know that things aren’t going to go well. They will most likely not know what you are talking about, and the conversation could end up going in a way that you did not intend for it to. Many times people with narcissistic tendencies like the flood of emotions that they are able to elicit. This leads to more talk about the emotions that can then be used by the narcissist. Keep discussions short and sweet, stick to the main points and leave out your emotional response.
2. Keep the relationship with the narcissist somewhat superficial. Be aware that the person with narcissism might not be able to have a deep relationship with you. Deep relationships are characterized by sharing trust, feeling safe, and being understood. These are behaviors that might be very tough for them, and as a result the relationship is going to feel strained if that is what you are trying to accomplish. It may result in you feeling like you are working at deepening the relationship and giving 100% effort toward that goal, while they are giving little to nothing.
3. Maintain your boundaries. If you have set a boundary, stick to it. If you haven’t set a boundary yet, start thinking about what you need in the relationship. Don’t let the behavior of another person change the boundaries that feel good to you. It is all too easy to allow another person to change your emotions, ie, make you feel bad for setting a boundary. Remember what caused you to set that boundary, and that it is healthy for you to maintain it! Boundaries that could be helpful might be setting a time limit on being around the person who is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, or not speaking about certain subjects that you know are going to cause problems.
4.Build your own self esteem. Surround yourself with other people who understand or are able to talk about it with you from a realistic perspective. Work on doing things that you feel successful at, and have fun with. Also, don’t forget to recognize all of the positive aspects of your personality and the good you have brought to others around you.
5. seek counseling for yourself. Counseling can be incredibly helpful in helping you to process what it is that you are experiencing. I help people who are dealing with others who are narcissistic set boundaries, and make the right choices for their unique situation. If you feel like this is something that you could use some help with, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
