Perfectionism and How to Combat It
Are you afraid of failure or judgment? Do you focus almost solely on the outcome of something you are working on instead of the process? Are you critical of yourself and do you have all or nothing thinking? At the end of the day do you have unrealistic standards for yourself (think: “would I ask for my best friend to meet these same standards”)? If so, then… you might have some perfectionist traits.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the belief that you must do something perfectly, or try your best not to make mistakes, even when it is unattainable or to your own detriment. Perfectionism comes up frequently in my work with people, and it can be detrimental to your mental health. It sets the groundwork for anxiety, depression or other mental health concerns. Many times we develop perfectionist tendencies because of past trauma we have experienced in our lives.
Perfectionism as a Coping Strategy
Coping strategies come in all shapes and sizes. Most times we talk about coping skills as being helpful – and they are- they keep us going in tough situations, and sometimes they even save our lives. However, that does not mean that we don’t outgrow certain coping skills. It can be best to thank a coping skill that has served us in the past, acknowledge it for what it has done, and allow it to retire while we move on to more adaptive coping skills for our current situation.
Perfectionism is one such coping skill. If, for example, you grew up in a family with alcoholic parents, your perfectionism served the purpose of helping you do everything that you felt you needed to do to survive. That might have been taking on the parent role, being responsible for your parents while they were intoxicated, or making sure that you and your siblings were physically safe. Maybe, it was having to be perfect so that you didn’t step out of line and get the wrath of a parent who couldn’t control their emotions due to being intoxicated. In this way, perfectionism is a very normal response to an uncontrollable situation.
When you experience a traumatic event it is very normal to look back and think about what you could have done differently that might have changed the outcome and possibly prevented the event from occurring. When you give in to these thoughts and play them over in your mind you are conditioning yourself to accept that perfectionism is the answer to solving problems that haven’t even occurred yet, and is a way that you could have escaped unscathed from earlier experiences. Not only is this illogical but it sets the stage for harmful patterns of thinking that will not serve you in the long term.
Can Perfectionism Cause Anxiety? Or Does Anxiety Cause Perfectionism?
All in all, it can be both. Let’s start with an example related to anxiety being the cause of perfectionism. If as a child you had a parent who expected you to get only the best grades, and they made your life difficult by withholding love, or giving you punishment when you did not get the highest grades in the class, it would be a normal response for your anxiety to spike when thinking about doing schoolwork. As humans, we are programmed to seek pleasure, so we turn away from pain (aka: anxiety, punishment, humiliation, yelling or lectures from parents with unrealistic standards). This anxiety of not wanting to let anyone down can cause perfectionist tendencies to develop. Afterall, the devil you know (pushing yourself to meet unrealistic standards) is better than the devil you don’t (how mad your parents might actually be).
It can also work the other way with perfectionism causing anxiety. If you struggle with perfectionism you know the amount of turmoil that goes into thinking about all of the details and intricacies of what you are working on. Perfectionism usually also does not only apply to big decisions or activities, it happens in many everyday situations. This becomes exhausting when you are pushing yourself to the limit trying to accomplish something that logically we know is unattainable. This pressure causes anxiety to rear it’s head and can lead even further into depression.
How do I Overcome Perfectionism?
1. Intentionally make a mistake- Remember that mistakes are not bad, we learn from them! When you intentionally put a mistake out into the world you give yourself evidence that what your perfectionist brain tells you is false. A mistake does not mean you are stupid or not good enough. In fact, you might find that no one notices or you feel a bit freer.
2. Focus on what you are doing well- Perfectionists tend to focus on what is going wrong, so flip the script. Focus on what is going well and what you are happy with.
3. Create realistic goals and set a time frame for them. Focus on sticking to your time frame and refrain from allowing yourself excess time to go back and perfect everything
4. Search for why you might be prone to perfectionism- If you have been through trauma or dealt with situations that have caused you to lean in to perfectionism, a good place to start is to recognize why you began to use perfectionism as a coping skill in the first place. Often times counseling can be helpful with this.
5. Increase your self esteem- know that you are good enough without having to prove yourself to anyone. Many times perfectionism comes from the fear of judgment or failure. If you are trying and putting effort into what you are doing be mindful that you are doing a great job!
Summary
Perfectionism can be hard to overcome because it is something that usually is ingrained in us as we have used it for a long time and it has been a helpful coping strategy. That doesn’t mean that you have to suffer with it forever. Many times the help of a therapist can be life changing. I help client’s recognize the roots of, process, and overcome perfectionism. I invite you to schedule a free 15 minute consultation and start working towards a happier you!
